The measure of maturity

If you made it through high school, you have heard of Shakespeare’s lines, "All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players, and each man in his time plays many parts." (I may be paraphrasing here.) I don’t presume to comment on Shakespeare, in fact, you have probably already noticed that I tend not to be as complex in my thinking as was Shakespeare. But if you are interested in a modern interpretation of the stages of life, then this article is for you.

Below is Bertha’s Maturity Classifier Index. When you think you have reached adulthood but can’t convince your parents, show them your score on Part One, below. You might have a hard time persuading your parents that these are sure indications, but it’s a beginning.
I say, you are probably grown up if:
1. You would rather walk around than through a mud puddle.
2. You begin to eat things like crab salad and cheesecake.
3. You eat ice cream without mixing in the topping.
4. You cease to care what color your Pictionary piece is.
5. You prefer Raisin Bran over Captain Crunch.
6. You can resist making footprints on the fridge.
7. You are able to save a piece of gum from a ten-pack for tomorrow.
8. You stop bragging about your age.
9. You can let the plate pass without taking the biggest piece of pie.
10. You will sit in the back seat of the car if necessary.

If your parents want to know what makes Bertha Butterbean an expert on the subject, you can say, "Well, she’s pretty old, she must be grown up," which will get you nowhere, and that is probably good. Actually, I’m on their side.

When your parents are dead sure you aren’t old enough for whatever it is that you want to do (which is probably go somewhere) you can give them Part Two of "The Classifier" just to get even. They are sure to fail part of it. This section is for those who are not sure whether they are in their prime or over the hill, but you are beginning your descent if:
1. You don’t go out when there are puddles.
2. You begin to like things like Tagamet and herbal tea.
3. You don’t eat ice cream; it hurts your teeth.
4. You don’t know what Pictionary is.
5. You prefer mush over Raisin Bran.
6. You can’t get your foot high enough to put a footprint on the fridge.
7. You don’t chew gum; it makes you nervous.
8. You stop having birthdays.
9. Pie gives you heartburn.
10. You don’t get into back seats because you might never get out again.

I believe that Shakespeare counted seven stages. I don’t remember most of them. At the risk of oversimplifying, I say you are either old enough to drive or you are not and don’t be driving until you are. But if you failed Part Two, you may need to think about staying off the main roads.