You could starve here

Don’t you just hate it when you are hungry and you try to open one of those cardboard packages of something that have the little perforated half-circle spot that says “press here”?

You do press here and nothing happens so you press a little harder, but the box stays closed. You increase the pressure, which is a step in the wrong direction, and the box stays closed.

“Try again.” This time you carefully line up the curve in your thumbnail, to the little “perforation” line. Again you press here and and tho whole box begins to twist.

“Okay, I am smarter than this box of junk, and I am not exactly a hundred pound weakling either. Get a tool. A spoon. Push on the little curved line with the front edge of the spoon.”

You do, and the box collapses completely so that now the curved dotted line is lying flat against the adjacent side of the box and you now have a hyperextended thumbnail and a bruised ego.

“Okay, a different tool.” You look around for a something like an industrial box ripper, or a jackhammer, but unless you are a construction worker, you will be stuck with ordinary hand tools.

Against your better judgment, but in desperation, you pick up the butcher knife with which you start to saw, on the mangled box corner. The box slips causing further injury to your poor thumb.

“Okay, I give. This box is stronger and smarter than I am, and I wasn’t hungry anyway.” By now you are jumping up and down with your thumb in your mouth, but on top of the box. You think about getting a band-aid, but, with an injury to one hand, it could be a little bit tricky to get it open.

“All right, I lied— I am too hungry, and I’ll show you. I’ll eat something else.” You find another package of food in the fridge. This one says “cut here.” Let’s see, do I need a pair of tin snips or a band saw?”

“Well, I’ll try the scissors. Hmm, they were right here yesterday. They aren’t today.”

You really give up and decide to eat out. But you realize that you might have to avoid meals that come with those little packages of condiments. They say “tear here” or “lift here.” If they will and you do, you will end up with a rash on your shirt anyway.

I never know how to open those hermetically-sealed-in-space-age-plastic electronic devices either. I think that any package that requires an imported or exotic tool, say a plumber’s helper or a Sawsall to get it open should come with the tool, don’t you?

By now you realize that you need either a tranquilizer or an antacid tablet. But that seems a little discouraging. The antacid comes in a package big enough to hold a fish tank, and the tranquilizer has to be pushed through the plastic film before you can get to it. If you get it pushed through in one piece, it will end up under the fridge anyway.

Well, I could learn from my grandkids. They can open anything. That is probably because they either can’t or won’t read the opening instructions and therefore don’t use them, or they don’t mind what they destroy during the process.

After they open a box of cereal, you have to keep the rest in a sandwich baggie, or throw it away. You may need special tools to repair the kitchen, too.

It’s the same with cookies, crackers, a gallon of milk, a bottle of ketchup, cheese, lunch meat, yogurt, a carton of cream. They can open them all. Can’t you just imagine it?

By the time they get the container open, it is no longer a container, but hey, they are not hungry, and they are happy.