Waterworks--you think so?

Out there in the world somewhere—maybe in Wonderland (I wonder why they do that?), or maybe it is Neverland (They never get it right), there must be an underground brotherhood of Water-delivery Engineers who dictate the standards for plumbers everywhere. I don’t think they operate under any sort of public scrutiny or things would be different.

And they must distribute a closely guarded handbook which holds secret information for plumbers, professional and do-it-yourselfers alike. How the probably ancient tome is dispersed without people like me knowing about it is a mystery. But how else could every residence that I have ever known of have the same dysfunctional plumbing system?

You notice that I am not blaming plumbers themselves for the wreckage, I am blaming the water engineers so as not to alienate any plumbers who, after all, only build the systems according to specification. Plumbers do get water to strategic points—like the bathroom faucets. That is a good thing. I just question the water’s routing.

Below you will find page 4-11 from the infamous Handbook. No, I didn’t find Mr. B.’s “plumber’s helper” under the seat of the plumbing truck under his monkey wrenches and pipe dope, or at the bottom of his tool chest under a false floor. I didn’t find it anywhere; but if I had, I know there is a page in it somewhere that looks like this:

(Graphic of water heater on right with shower head on left. Cold water goes straight to shower head. Hot water takes an exaggerated circuitous route to get there.)

I have only one explanation for a system like this: liability issues. Water engineers are afraid that impulsive types will jump into the shower first and turn on the hot water second, thereby scalding various body parts. But I tell you, they have got their body parts covered.