Bertha's best friend

I would be the first to admit that I am not a social butterfly; in fact a grub may be more like it. I go home at night and stay there. But in case you think I don’t have any friends, I’m here to tell you that I have one who calls me at least once every day. Her first name is Warranty (her mother was probably a movie star) and her last name is Department.

There are a host of adjectives that could be used to describe my good friend--—words like loyal, reliable, constant, persistent…

Warranty doesn’t mind a bit if I forget to hold up my end of the friendship or the conversation; she just keeps calling no matter how neglectful I am. In fact, I have hung up on her more times than I can count, but she is never discouraged.

She is a little featherbrained, though. One evening she calls to tell me this is my third and final call before my warranty expires, and the next night she calls me to alert me about my second and last warning. She has got it wrong in both cases. Actually my warranties have all expired some time ago. (There may be more truth in that statement than a first reading will reveal.)

I have never actually gotten far enough into a conversation with Warranty to find out how her product works and how much these things cost. Surely the cost is not more than the car is worth. Maybe one of these days I’ll let her sell me a warranty on the Butterbean pickup truck which is old enough never to have had a warranty in the first place, a fact that I have been careful not to communicate to Warranty at this point. But if I do, when Warranty calls to say that my warranty is about to expire, I can truthfully say “What warranty? I don’t have a warranty; I never had a warranty.”

Perhaps the pickup ought to have one in its lifetime since it apparently would be committing vehicular suicide to omit it—just ask Warranty. A few spare parts could help it grow ancient gracefully. I read online that most warranty plans detail “a lot of covered parts, but most of the parts on the list are not applicable for the cars on the road today.” It sounds like those parts should be suitable for my truck since it is a miracle that it is on the road today and probably uses most of those non-applicable parts. Buying a warranty on a vehicle like that ought to serve one or the other of us right.

In case you or my brothers think I am not kidding about warranting our pickup, I will herewith put all minds at ease. I watched a lady photocopy one of those extended warranty contracts the other day. The document itself was twenty-one pages long, and the collection included three exclusion pages.
I was tempted to read over her shoulder, but she would have had to stand still for an awful long time. Besides I would really rather park the old truck than read twenty-one pages of legalese covering non-applicable parts. But here are a few of the provisions as I imagined them:

1. This warranty not valid unless vehicle is currently warranted by vehicle’s manufacturer.

2. Exclusions include: all parts deemed not to be stationary or unneedful.

3. Warranty does cover: cracked steering wheel; radio antenna providing such is not embedded in vehicle’s windshield; seatbelt anchor bolts; oil-testing tube cap but does not cover loss of such, directional turn signal fluid/windshield wiper fluid, exhaust muffler bearings, and Johnson maniform rods.

4. Warranty will be rendered null and void upon installation of non-proprietary after-market parts including but not limited to additional cup holders, CD storage systems, or facial tissue dispensers.

Excuse me now—the phone is ringing. It’s probably my friend Warranty..