Just some of the hazards

I hate to have to tell you this, but living is hazardous to your health. The National Safety Council published findings showing that most accidents occur at home, at work or at play. If you think about it, that doesn't leave a whole lot of safe time or space left over.

I can think of church. You are probably safe from auto accidents, skiing fatalities, and drownings in church, although you could get thoroughly wet at a baptism. I think I heard once, though, of someone who died of a heart attack in church.

One prevailing notion holds that if you are accident prone or feeling like you are overdue, you should stay in bed; but as one of my favorite fictional characters said when his wife tried to put him to bed to get over pneumonia, “I ain't thet big a fool… Ain't you ever noticed? Folks die in bed.”

So I can't recommend bed or church without reservation.

You don't want to be caught in an automobile, bus, airplane, or storm with or without a seat belt. You want to stay away from smoking sections in restaurants—if they have those anymore—especially if they serve food.

And don't be poor. Poverty is associated with increased risk of fire death. Stay away from football games; there were three football fatalities in 2009.

Just in case you were wondering what it is about skiing that is dangerous, I will tell you that is is “excess speed and loss of control, especially if they are complicated by contact with stationary objects such as trees, or rocks, or lift towers.”

You have the NSC to thank for such documented factual knowledge.

Well, back to our dilemma. Where or when is it safe? As for when, it's not August. Don't be around in August. September is better.

Show up then. Where? Not at a rock concert, not at a water attraction, not at an educational institution. (Good luck with the educational institution part unless you are well over eighteen.) And don't frequent banks; bank robbers tend to do the same thing.

Stay away from hospitals and senior citizens' centers. They are too much like staying in bed. Don't be caught in the proximity of washing machines, ironing boards, electricity or bears. And sweaters, you could accidentally hang yourself with your sweater.

Those are just some of the common everyday things. You also have to be aware of the exotic hazards like chemical wastes, nondisposable substances, dirt and germs. There used to be a concern about acid rain. Perhaps rain is more alkaline, lately—I haven't heard—but that can't be good either. Anyway, those things tend to jump on you or fall on you.

It is just my personal opinion, but I think that treadmills and haunted houses are also dangerous.

And now, don't let any of those things cause undue stress; that's also dangerous.

You may as well just relax and enjoy life. Another statistic I once heard: you have a one hundred percent chance that something will get you sooner or later.