Bertha the CEO

Does anybody out there have a company they want taken down? Here’s the deal: I am willing to do it for a lot less than $60 million.

I seem to be eminently qualified.

I don’t really know much about running a big business. I am probably weak in financial analysis and understanding of the markets. I have a poor grasp of financial consequences for overspending, overlending, etc.

I don’t have any highly relevant strategies for producing bottom-line results.

Since there would be a lot more ways to get it wrong than get it right, I don’t think I could accidentally be successful, and with my experience, I could probably run a corporation into the ground more quickly than just any CEO.

I am able to remain insulated from risks by packaging them and handing them up the chain which gives a whole new meaning to the term “passing the buck,” which I can do as well as anyone. I am also creative at making excuses.

What with affirmative action guidelines supporting age and gender, I should look good on paper, if not in the mirror.
Additionally, I have a large pool of potential hirees who are related to me.

And like I said, I am cheap. I could work for ten percent of what the average executive makes. I am willing to operate on a minimum of perks and benefits. I am nearly old enough for Medicare anyway.

Library books are my most extravagant entertainment so I wouldn’t need an expense account.

Even if we are not “too big to fail,” I should be able to evoke a certain amount of sympathy when we topple. One look at me and the government would feel sorry for us and bail us out for sure. And if they didn’t, oh well, what’s a billion or two?

How does this sound: Failure-prone CEO looking for a position in a large high-profile corporation with an elevated implosion potential. Will relocate to any city with a library. Salary rate negotiable but below the accepted standards. Benefits not necessary.

What have we got to win?

All kidding aside, after I land my position, and before I jet to southern California for my first company retreat, there is something I want to do. I want the be the one to send AIG’s execs (past or present) a spam e-mail, the kind that you can’t get off your screen, with big flashing red stars asking if they know what their credit score is?

Did anyone anywhere ask the board of directors that before they spent money they didn’t have on mortgages that weren’t viable? Just checking.

In my pre-CEO life, things like that mattered. I always thought that being able to get a second mortgage didn’t mean you should. Well, I am not only old, but old-fashioned.

“People aren’t going to be able to use the equity in their houses to meet their expenses,” was an observation one news commentator made about the credit mess. Well, you can live in your house, or you can get the equity out. In today’s market, they aren’t necessarily the same thing.

Okay, this is Bertha speaking. I might have misunderstood the expediency of using other people’s money instead of my own. I already said that I have a poor grasp of financial matters. But one thing I have learned: it’s best if no one has to bail you out, because as Jay Leno said the other day, “Here’s the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can’t fail.”




Bertha the CEO

Does anybody out there have a company they want taken down? Here’s the deal: I am willing to do it for a lot less than $60 million.
I seem to be eminently qualified.
I don’t really know much about running a big business. I am probably weak in financial analysis and understanding of the markets. I have a poor grasp of financial consequences for overspending, overlending, etc.
I don’t have any highly relevant strategies for producing bottom-line results.
Since there would be a lot more ways to get it wrong than get it right, I don’t think I could accidentally be successful, and with my experience, I could probably run a corporation into the ground more quickly than just any CEO.
I am able to remain insulated from risks by packaging them and handing them up the chain which gives a whole new meaning to the term “passing the buck,” which I can do as well as anyone. I am also creative at making excuses.
What with affirmative action guidelines supporting age and gender, I should look good on paper, if not in the mirror.
Additionally, I have a large pool of potential hirees who are related to me.
And like I said, I am cheap. I could work for ten percent of what the average executive makes. I am willing to operate on a minimum of perks and benefits. I am nearly old enough for Medicare anyway.
Library books are my most extravagant entertainment so I wouldn’t need an expense account.
Even if we are not “too big to fail,” I should be able to evoke a certain amount of sympathy when we topple. One look at me and the government would feel sorry for us and bail us out for sure. And if they didn’t, oh well, what’s a billion or two?
How does this sound: Failure-prone CEO looking for a position in a large high-profile corporation with an elevated implosion potential. Will relocate to any city with a library. Salary rate negotiable but below the accepted standards. Benefits not necessary.
What have we got to win?
All kidding aside, after I land my position, and before I jet to southern California for my first company retreat, there is something I want to do. I want the be the one to send AIG’s execs (past or present) a spam e-mail, the kind that you can’t get off your screen, with big flashing red stars asking if they know what their credit score is?
Did anyone anywhere ask the board of directors that before they spent money they didn’t have on mortgages that weren’t viable? Just checking.
In my pre-CEO life, things like that mattered. I always thought that being able to get a second mortgage didn’t mean you should. Well, I am not only old, but old-fashioned.
“People aren’t going to be able to use the equity in their houses to meet their expenses,” was an observation one news commentator made about the credit mess. Well, you can live in your house, or you can get the equity out. In today’s market, they aren’t necessarily the same thing.
Okay, this is Bertha speaking. I might have misunderstood the expediency of using other people’s money instead of my own. I already said that I have a poor grasp of financial matters. But one thing I have learned: it’s best if no one has to bail you out, because as Jay Leno said the other day, “Here’s the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can’t fail.”