Help-wanted section

I never read the Help Wanted section of the newspaper. Actually I’m not sure they have a section like that anymore. A year ago—maybe. To tell the truth, I never read any of the classifieds since I already have a couple of jobs. If I want to buy anything, I go to Ebay or some other scary cavern of the cybershopping network.

One of those couple of jobs I have is your basic wife-and-mother type of job. You know—I am all of those things that most wives and mothers are—baker, laundress, cook, maid. You’ve read the job descriptions. They tend to be lengthy.

A few things I don’t do. Fixing flats and mowing lawns are two that you may have already read about here. I also don’t do windows, plumb, or feed the dog. Those things are in someone else’s job description, I think.

I have been known to do a few extra-curricular chores such as reupholstering VW buses, making Clone Trooper Halloween costumes, and building furniture.

All of this I do and get paid $0.00 per hour for it. I have feelings of ambivalence about the benefits too.

Back in the day, the wife-and-mother occupation was my only job.
At any rate, there used to be a section in the newspaper that advertised available jobs. Several years ago, when typing was something you did on a typewriter, almost every job listed in the jobs section required the job applicant to take a timed typing test. Do they still do that?

So, I was glad to have my pay-nothing job and not be out looking for the other kind. Those job-available classified ads were intimidating to say the least.

I remember that there was an ad in the jobs section of our hometown (not this hometown) paper that was a full seven inches long, all seven inches devoted to the list of minimum qualifications necessary for a certain managerial position. Hey, the President doesn’t have the qualifications for that job.

Anyway, the applicant needed a specific college degree, specific progressively responsible experience, special computer skills, and of course, had to be able to pass the 60wpm timed test. For all of that, the candidate could start at a salary of $7.83 per hour. Even twenty years ago that was a sad salary. I think that job listing may have been published during one of our other economic recessions.

At that time, you had to be able to type 60 wpm per minute to mow lawns. Job Service didn’t want your name in their files if you were typing-challenged. You might be able to manage a whole floor of typists who could turn out reams of perfect documents, but it didn’t count unless you could type 60 wpm yourself.

Have you heard the story of Phillip John who went into Job Service looking for a position?

“I am an experienced plumber. (Just so you know, I have a lot of respect for plumbers, Joe included.) I need a plumbing job.”

“Can you type 60 wpm?”

“No, but I can unclog a drain in five minutes flat.”

“I’m sorry sir, but all of our plumbers type 60 wpm.”

“What for?”

“It looks good on their resumes.”
“Any plumber who can type 60 wpm must spend a lot of time typing.”

“That’s right.”

Hey Phil, I know of a challenging job with a lengthy description that you can have with only 30 wpm. Of course, the pay is none, and the benefits are questionable.