Is there a cellphone agent?

I wouldn't want it to be too generally known, but my cellphone contract expires here in a couple of months. I have spent almost two years complaining about the service that I have now.

Oh-oh, she's going to complain about it once again, you think. Well, I could, but actually the thought of replacing the old cell phone and service is what has me worried. And that's what I want to complain about.

Just considering the options that I have before me (which really aren't that many compared to real metropolitan areas) gives me a headache and makes my palms sweat. First I will have to choose a service and that represents a bigger commitment than some marriages. Then I will have to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of the various plans. Then I will have pick a phone since the old one (which doesn't show a bit of wear and is a nice color) will be locked, and then I will have to purchase all new accessories since none of them are interchangeable.

I calculate that I have approximately 210 different choices to consider. Most of them I don't want to consider at all.

So what I am doing here is searching for a cell phone agent. I don't want one of those cellphone agents whose real name is cellphone salesperson and they all sell cellphones down by the seashore. And on the dot coms and on Ebay and at the cellphone store and at the box stores and department stores.

That is not the kind of agent I am looking for. I want one that is completely independent. Someone who can connect me with the best phone and service for me at the best price. If I could get all of that in one package, I wouldn't mind signing on for two years or even more.

But with the knowledge in my possession right now, I would be reduced to picking my new cellphone by color.

Owning a cell phone is a big investment as well as a long-term commitment. During these past two years I have spent over $1200 on mobile phone service. Unlike choosing a husband, though, I am not allowed to date a cellphone or try a service plan to find out whether it is right for me. Most of the phone models are chained to the counter. You can only pick them up and hold them for a minute. You can read about them, but the literature only tells you what they can do, not what they can't do. And yes, I am ending the comparison right there.

I know, I could ask my kids which phone or service to buy, but they don't know any more about it than I do. In fact, they are willing to get the right color, along with texting, at any price. They do know how to use their phones though. They use them for all sorts of things. However, I still think their main function is similar to that of a GPS device (which by the way they could buy for a low one-time price). They mostly want to know where each other is and where they will meet up. They may have to move to a new position to get service though. That we all find a little bit annoying.

Take me, on the other hand. I think we all have “Friends-and-Family” so I can call family and tell one of them to bring home a loaf of bread.

“Yes,” you are thinking, “she does need a cellphone agent—someone to tell her that she doesn't need a cellphone at all and to just find a bigger shopping cart instead.”